Refreshed, forgiven, blessed

For a week I spent time at home and wondering how much more I can give to the kids. Being sick made me weak, both physically and emotionally, yes, also spiritually.
I find myself battling with many thoughts about the mission. At home, I remember the little hands and feet of the kids. My heart aches seeing the reality of their hardships. Sometimes I fear for their health. Would you believe there was a time Rodel recited the multiplication table with me and he told me “Ate May I can’t do it. It’s too many. I can’t breath." I find the kids tire easily in Payatas.

Yes, we have the same dream. I wish we have more money, more shelters for them, more food, and more nurturing hands to fill each brokenness. Each day I wish the children more and more love to receive, more and more care to feel. I am proud to see how Paaralang Pantao brought joy and friendship to the kids. Each day's “heartspeaks” can be summarized to a miracle of: giving and love and pains endured. Yes, sometimes I scream inside, “Life is so unfair for the kids!” But a thought knock once at my heart. The kids are alive and they have been blessed with many moments to smile; to run, to play, to dance, to sing, to express their pains and wildest ideas, to argue with us, to have tantrums, to frown, to dream, to cheer, to pray, to reflect, to hear stories, to meet many friends from all over the world, to fight and reconcile, and to just BE,be themselves.

Being in the mission is a humbling experience. If God is listening I wish to tell him sorry because I felt so self-sufficient, that I can do something for the children. I can love them and give my time. I have missed to acknowledge the truth that God uses each one of us as instruments. He has the masterplan in His hands.

I was sick and felt I’ve been burned out with many thoughts for the kids and the mission. I forgot to tell God my desires and my hopes because I have been so busy thinking what to do, how to respond to the call. And then he allowed me to pause a while.

Tomorrow, I will be back to school after a weeks' rest. I feel refreshed, forgiven and blessed to have rested.